LEADING WITH LOVE

 I was having a coaching session, coaching a coach. She told me that she didn't love a few of her athletes but the rest were great. I told her that while you don't have to like everyone, to be effective you must have love in your heart for all.

I mentioned to her that it is easy to love the good ones, those who show up, give their all, are respectful, selfless and demonstrate a strong work ethic. I told her it is easy to be holy in a church or other sacred place, right? But the other troubling athletes are where the challenge lies, where the real coaching begins, where the most gain can be made, where you really make a difference. And, that difference is made when we have love in our hearts for these kids.

John Wooden, iconic basketball coach years ago, told reporters that the reason for his success was that he had a lot of love in his coaching. All successful coaches do...Steve Kerr, Phil Jackson, Anson Dorrance, Lute Olson, Gregg  Popovich, Tara VanDevere, Bob Hansen, Cindy Timchal and others.

When you have challenging, difficult to love athletes in your life you do not have to like them. In fact,they will change their behaviors ONLY when they are loved, they will go the distance only when they are loved and they with be respectful and loyal only when they are loved. LOVE NOT THEIR BEHAVIORS but love who they are...human beings who may be confused, insecure, uncertain, fearful, and nervous. These feelings cause them to be reactive and uncooperative, not listen, sabotage your plans and be rebellious.

So what's there to love? Simple but not easy. Love their intentions. They want to do well, they want to "fit in", they want acceptance, and their intentions are pure. Love this about them. BUT their feet are pointed south and they have lost their North Star, their inner compass and it is our deepest work to let them know " we love you, we want you to be here and we want to help you get what you deserve so tell us what you really want and how I can help you get it".

Pull such an athlete aside and privately touch the arm or shoulder, look her in the eyes and express that as her coach you want her to succeed and if she doesn't want to that perhaps it is better that she isn't on this team. Tell her that while you don't like her behaviors, you love and believe in her and that you will go the distance with her but she must want it too. THAT'S IT!!!  It is in Chinese the TAO concept of WU WEI , of effortless effort,  of no forcing, no conjolling, no disrespecting, no shame, no blame. Just express what you observe, value her and let her decide if she wants help or not and let it go. She may NOT BE READY and that means you can not coach her. Not your fault.

Bottom line is this. I LOVE all my athletes for who they are NOT what they do. Then I present them with the above approach and know that when I do, I am being a coach with heart.

One last word on meaning of love as I use it: LOVE is not a commodity, something we dole out if we approve of someone or not... it's a CAPACITY...the capacity to CONNECT and CARE about another.

For more on this way, see my book "COACHING WITH HEART". If you like this, you'll love it.