WHEN BEING DEMANDING

Here is something to ponder into the weekend:


When given the privilege and honor of being with struggling athletes,

I love to tell them I BELIEVE and have confidence in them .

THEN, I am very, very DEMANDING of them... relentlessly so.

And, I demonstrate PATIENCE and LOVE as I await their blossoming.

I see the alternative and it's OBSOLETE... ineffective at best. Not pretty!

Coaching is when I fight for the hearts of my athletes and have them

feel loved and valued and deeply connected to me, the team, the game and

ultimately to something much bigger than any of this.

Namaste'

LEADING WITH LOVE

 I was having a coaching session, coaching a coach. She told me that she didn't love a few of her athletes but the rest were great. I told her that while you don't have to like everyone, to be effective you must have love in your heart for all.

I mentioned to her that it is easy to love the good ones, those who show up, give their all, are respectful, selfless and demonstrate a strong work ethic. I told her it is easy to be holy in a church or other sacred place, right? But the other troubling athletes are where the challenge lies, where the real coaching begins, where the most gain can be made, where you really make a difference. And, that difference is made when we have love in our hearts for these kids.

John Wooden, iconic basketball coach years ago, told reporters that the reason for his success was that he had a lot of love in his coaching. All successful coaches do...Steve Kerr, Phil Jackson, Anson Dorrance, Lute Olson, Gregg  Popovich, Tara VanDevere, Bob Hansen, Cindy Timchal and others.

When you have challenging, difficult to love athletes in your life you do not have to like them. In fact,they will change their behaviors ONLY when they are loved, they will go the distance only when they are loved and they with be respectful and loyal only when they are loved. LOVE NOT THEIR BEHAVIORS but love who they are...human beings who may be confused, insecure, uncertain, fearful, and nervous. These feelings cause them to be reactive and uncooperative, not listen, sabotage your plans and be rebellious.

So what's there to love? Simple but not easy. Love their intentions. They want to do well, they want to "fit in", they want acceptance, and their intentions are pure. Love this about them. BUT their feet are pointed south and they have lost their North Star, their inner compass and it is our deepest work to let them know " we love you, we want you to be here and we want to help you get what you deserve so tell us what you really want and how I can help you get it".

Pull such an athlete aside and privately touch the arm or shoulder, look her in the eyes and express that as her coach you want her to succeed and if she doesn't want to that perhaps it is better that she isn't on this team. Tell her that while you don't like her behaviors, you love and believe in her and that you will go the distance with her but she must want it too. THAT'S IT!!!  It is in Chinese the TAO concept of WU WEI , of effortless effort,  of no forcing, no conjolling, no disrespecting, no shame, no blame. Just express what you observe, value her and let her decide if she wants help or not and let it go. She may NOT BE READY and that means you can not coach her. Not your fault.

Bottom line is this. I LOVE all my athletes for who they are NOT what they do. Then I present them with the above approach and know that when I do, I am being a coach with heart.

One last word on meaning of love as I use it: LOVE is not a commodity, something we dole out if we approve of someone or not... it's a CAPACITY...the capacity to CONNECT and CARE about another.

For more on this way, see my book "COACHING WITH HEART". If you like this, you'll love it.

ATHLETIC SERENITY PRAYER

Write this out, group text it to your friends and use it for your sports journey...Short Yet Sweet!!!

Grant me the serenity to accept my errors,mistakes, failures and losses,
Give me the courage to learn from these and change,
And afford me the wisdom to forgive myself, have self compassion, improve and go forward.

The price we all pay if we do not take this Yin-Yang path is to encounter harsh, rocky roads along the journey.

Sports is our perfect vehicle to help us cope with failure. After all, all that you've learned in life
has been the result of failure. I call this the "success of failure".

No posts for the next 7 days as I will be totally immersed in doing good work in Chicago.

CATCHING ATHLETES DOING RIGHT

In sports, coaches are whistle blowers. Many feel inadequate as if they are not doing their job unless they constantly blow the whistle catching an athlete doing something wrong and correcting it. Aside from continually breaking the "flow of play", the whistle is like reinforcing the athletes waiting for the hammer to drop as they focus on mistake, errors, setbacks which makes them tight ,tense and tentative resulting in the action for which the whistle is being blown. Emotionally, the athletes become disgruntled with the process of practice and develop fear of being caught doing something wrong.

What would happen if your culture was a culture of "catching them doing something right"? I remember a coach telling me that an athlete was not listening to the feedback after repeated whistles and the coach was getting upset and impatient with this kid. Motivation for improvement became nonexistent. I suggested to the coach that she could try blowing the whistle whenever she saw this athlete doing something really good, even if it took forever. That day, she tried my strategy. The next day she continued but did it several times. Not only did the athlete start to feel better, more involved and valued, the coach ,herself, began to enjoy practice once again. One week after the start of the new approach, it was the coach's birthday. When she entered the office that morning, there was a huge bouquet of roses on her desk with a note that said: "Hey coach, I just want to tell you how much I am loving Lacrosse again and appreciate your being positive with me. Makes me feel valued and important and motivated to work hard". Guess who sent flowers?

The whistle is an effective coaching and teaching tool. Just remember to stop practice when you see something right happening. This will increase your effectiveness as a coach and, at the same time, increase the enthusiasm of your athletes as they become motivated to listen to you and go the distance as well. It will get the athletes to focus on doing something right rather than fearing doing something wrong.

LEADING & COACHING,AUTHENTICALLY

The first time many years ago when I walked into a classroom to teach, I needed to wear my professional "mask". I felt I couldn't do my work without it. Standing behind a desk, covering up fears and inadequacies, advertising my credentials, afraid to make a mistake or look silly, wearing the impressive clothes were some of the ways I attempted to hide my insecurity and protect my role.

Now, many,many years later, with more experience and wisdom plus a boat load of achievements and credentials, I feel I can't do my work WITH the mask. Others see and feel the mask as a barrier to connection, caring and ultimately, a good relationship, so vital to making a difference in the lives of others. My goal has been to focus not on our differences but how we are alike.  I refuse to trade my humble heart and sense of humanity in for looking like an expert.

Every year I get closer to getting "mask-free" and emotionally "naked" on the never ending journey towards full authenticity. It takes courage and the willingness to take risks to "show up and be seen" in the words of researcher/author Brene Brown.  I continue to work at being unapologetically me. It's a frightening place to visit yet it is absolutely essential if I hope to remain sensitive, caring, respectful, authentic and genuine so as to truly make a difference in the lives of others. It requires me to lean into this fearful, scary place and that takes courage....BUT, I can tell you that when I have the presence of heart to do this, it is so worth it.

The result of being authentic is I gain the trust and respect of others and they, become loyal, secure, enthusiastic and committed to "going the distance" with me. This demands "outside-the-box" behavior, out on the edge, fearlessly fighting to win the hearts of my athletes.

Such authenticity means you must trust yourself...to be comfortable in your own skin....to see all of your work as a path of humanity and we all are humans just like those we lead and coach. Engage in conversation that unites not separates. For example, draw an athlete in by asking: "So, what is your go-to comfort food?". Everyone relates to that. Food is the universal connector. You'll be pleasantly surprised to see where this opening takes the conversation. And, in the process, we all act human. I remember The Dalai Lama once telling an audience that he was just like us all...same fears, concerns, troubles, desires. He was authentic and from that place, he could lead me and I would follow.

Whenever I am in a leadership role, I purposefully remind myself to "let it all go and just BE ME". That is all I need to do to continue to be effective in that role. That's how I can connect more deeply and more authentically.